Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
