You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
