i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
