Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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