Screwed.edu
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
