i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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