There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
