why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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