Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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