Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My feet surprised me
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