So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
