i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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