I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
