hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
