im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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