the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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