ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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