I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
