Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
