I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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