john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
