Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
