are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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