Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
