one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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