Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
