I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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