I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Can you bring me the toilet please
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
