glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
