Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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