Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
