Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
tell me about the fingering
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