Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
