people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
