3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
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