Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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