im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
