i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
