i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
