i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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