the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
