oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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