I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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