he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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