I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
