The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
