260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
