I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
