Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
