I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize