I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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