My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
