Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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