you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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