I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
