can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
