I wannas sexs uuuuu
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
