I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
