mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
