Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
