Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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