Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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