im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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