look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
